This is the saddest thing I've ever written and I am crying so much, but my time of being a Lewis fan and a Prides fan has come to an end in the most hurtful way.
I wrote about some of this a couple of months ago, but as things got better due to the help of a kind person, I deleted that blog entry. Well since then, things have got so much worse, and it is now impossible for me to ever be a fan of them again. I know writing this will achieve nothing. But Prides have been talking about me to other fans, so this is my side of the story. I am in no way saying I am faultless, I have made terrible mistakes, it's all here.
It was in February at Prides' gig in Lincoln that this all began. After the gig, Prides' manager Ally McCrae told me the band would be coming to the merchandise stand to meet fans, as they usually do. But then the venue staff closed up the venue.
I was with another fan who also wanted to meet Prides. We decided to go to the back of the venue to see if we could meet them when they went to their van. When we got there one of the support bands was outside. We said we wanted to meet Prides and they said why not go in via the back entrance of the venue because there was no security.
Now I know that just because there was noone to stop us, this does not mean I was entitled to go back into the venue. What I did was an invasion of Prides privacy. But at the time I didn't think about that, because I am a selfish thoughtless idiot. Also, I was deluded enough to think that Prides wouldn't mind me coming back in because Ally had said I could meet them.
Me and the other fan walked back in, and Stewart, Callum and Ally were on stage packing up Lewis' drum kit. Callum said Lewis was too ill to see anyone, but then Lewis appeared and I went over to him and he was telling me how ill he was. Being the selfish person that I am, I asked if I could have a photo with him and he said yes, and I asked for a hug and he gave me one and then I left.
It was when I was back outside that I looked at twitter on my phone and I saw that earlier Lewis had tweeted me saying he was too ill to meet me but he'd see me next time. I knew then that what I'd done was seriously bad. I'd forced Lewis to see me when he was so poorly and he just wanted some privacy and space. Plus it looked like I'd delibertaly ignored his tweet to me, although this wasn't the case and I genuinely hadn't seen it.
I was absolutely devastated. I tweeted an apology to Lewis but I knew it was too late. I think in my heart I knew I had ruined everything forever. And the last thing I ever wanted to do was upset Lewis, I care about him so much, I love him in a fan love way, I would never intentionally have done something to make him feel uncomfortable in any way.
The next day I DM'd Lewis to apologise again for what I'd done, but he didn't reply. He was tweeting a lot that day, so I knew he was ignoring me and didn't accept my apology and I was panicking so much.
He didn't reply to me all week and I felt so anxious that I'd seriously upset him so I sent him more DM's, which I know now must have been very irritating and the last thing he needed, but that's what I did. I also DM'd other members of team Prides, which annoyed them all greatly (with the exception of one of them who has been so kind and understanding to me throughout all this.)
Stewart sent me a DM saying I keep messaging them till I get my own way.
I DM'd a lot because I was so anxious about upsetting Lewis and was trying to apologise. I guess Stewart just thinks I'm a spoilt brat though.
In a last desperate attempt to beg for Lewis' forgiveness, I sent him a private apology which I hoped explained what had happened and gave some context as to why I behaved the way I did. I shared some very personal stuff about my mental health. Unfortunately, my private stuff was instantly shared with someone else who it was not intended for.
Lewis then did DM me to say that I was overthinking what had happened at Lincoln and that nobody was overly bothered. But that he was unfollowing me because of all my DM's.
He unfollowed me instantly, then DM'd me via Prides twitter to explain that he had only shared my private message with Ally, which I didn't mind at the time as I thought he was someone I could trust.
And that was the last twitter interaction I ever had with Lewis.
Many months ago he said I could DM him when I had any worries about Prides stuff. I guess I took him too literally and this is what led to the situation I am in now. I wish he'd just said to me that my DM's were getting too much. Instead he just ignored me for days and never gave me a chance. Anyway, that is the least of my problems. As you will see from the rest of this blog, things got so much worse...
None of Prides would interact with me on twitter for a further 3 weeks after this and noone would tell me why.
One of my friends, 'Fern' (not her real name but she wants to remain annoymous) joined twitter to tweet Prides for me and try to help. She @ tagged Ally McCrae in her tweets...
Ally, who had long since stopped replying to any of my messages, then DM'd Fern about me! I am horrified that the manager of my favourite band would talk to someone else about me like this. Yes, Fern is a very dear friend of mine, but she had only joined twitter that week, she didn't have a profile photo of herself, she could have been ANYONE! Anyone could set up a twitter claiming to be someone's friend. I am so shocked that Ally would act in what I feel was an unprofessional manner and send these messages about me.
I tweeted how upset I was about this, and it was then that Ally replied to an email of mine that he had previously ignored. He explained that because of my known anxiety problems, Prides had got professional advice on how to deal with me. The professional advisor suggested a cooling off period, which was why Prides all ignored me.
I have had mental health problems for 20 years now, and in that time I have received some unpleasant treatment, but nothing like this. For my favourite band to treat me differently from other fans because of my mental illness, I still can't believe it! And to ignore someone with anxiety is such a cruel thing to do, it just makes that person's anxiety worse.
I replied to Ally's email but got no response. Fortunately the whole conversation had been CC'd to the kind member of Prides team. He later phoned me and was so sympathetic, as he had previously been unaware of my mental health problems. Because of him, Prides' twitter started interacting with me again, although Lewis never did on twitter.
I went to the Kiesza tour and Prides did speak to me in person there. Stewart was his usual self. Callum seemed to be going out of his way to be extra kind to me and including me in stuff. I don't know if he did it intentionally, but he made me very happy anyway.
I got really upset when I met Lewis on the first night of the tour. He was pleasant, but so different from how he used to be, he seemed so much colder. But that's ok, I don't expect him to actually like me, why should he? He was still polite and let me have a photo and that is all I wanted. I asked if he would ever follow me on twitter again and he said maybe one day but not for a very long time. I had a bit of a cry and I asked if it would be ok if I still came to the rest of the tour or if it would make him uncomfortable and he said it would be fine.
The second night of the tour, he didn't come out to meet fans when Stewart and Callum did after Prides' set, and I thought he would avoid me for the rest of the tour. But then he did come out after Kiesza's set, and I apologised to him for getting upset at him yesterday and he said it was ok.
The third night of the tour, Prides were in a hurry to leave but Lewis actually got out of the van to let me have a photo. The fourth day he smiled at me when he walked past and I thought things were getting back to how they used to be.
And on the fifth and final night Lewis gave me a hug and when he was talking to me he seemed relaxed and like he used to be. I thought that because I'd not stepped out of line on the tour he could see how sorry I was and had forgiven me and everything would be like it used to be.
But he continued to ignore me on twitter. He favourited or replied to any other fan who tweeted him, but not me. It hurt so much, but I could only assume it was not Lewis' decision to do this and maybe the professional adviser was still involved.
The next thing that happened was the Prides DJ party. It cost me £1700 plus VAT, making a total of £2100 to hire Prides to DJ at my friend's party. The contract said I had to provide certain professional DJ equipment, which cost me £600 to hire. The contract didn't say I was getting all 3 members of Prides, it just talked about them as Prides. It did however talk about things in multiples of 3's, like I had to provide 3 clean towels, so I just assumed I'd get all 3 band members. I really should have checked with the agency though. it's the most expensive mistake I ever made.
I am surprised though, that when Prides found out Lewis wouldn't attend, that they didn't tell me. It was because he was ill and I had to find out by a tweet which was not even a personal tweet for me. The first I knew was when Stewart tweeted via the Prides band twitter that he and Callum were DJ'ing that night. Stewart and Callum know that Lewis is my favourite, they knew the booking was made through me. I can't believe they didn't even tell me themselves!
So I DM'd the Prides twitter and begged would it not be possible for Lewis to come. I got a DM from Stewart saying isn't this Tracey's party (which it was but I'd paid for it) and that he wouldn't expect to be forced to do something when he was ill.
I wasn't trying to force anyone to do anything, my DM was the desperate words of someone who realised she'd just wasted £2700! I'm not a famous musician, I am a normal woman with no job, this was a big chunk of my life savings! Yes it was stupid of me to spend this amount of money, yes it was foolish of me not to check with the agency that Lewis was coming. Yes a fool and their money are easily parted, I know how stupid I've been, trust me I think about it every day! But I first thought to do this party thing when none of Prides would talk to me in February and I thought it might be my only chance to try to make things right with them.
Although I say the money was wasted, it did cause happiness to my best friend whose party it was and the other Prides fans who were there. So I am happy about that. But in all honesty, I wouldn't have done it if I'd known Lewis wouldn't be there. I don't think many people would spend such a huge amount of money if they weren't going to get something out of it themselves. Well, maybe they would, and if so they are much nicer people than me!
And it does hurt that Prides are so lovely to everyone else who was at that party, except me. I spent all that money and everyone benefitted except myself. But I have only myself to blame for putting myself in that stupid situation because I am a complete idiot. Stewart wasn't even going to thank me when he made his speech at the end of the night, it was only because someone else whispered in his ear that he did. You can see that in the video on my post about the party.
I am glad that Prides are nice to my friends still, I want them to be happy. But how have I ended up as the evil bitch when I did something so nice for everyone? Even though I was selfishly motivated, it was still the best party of my friend's life and the other Prides fans who were there. Prides got paid, Lewis even got paid for not being there. And I was glad he got paid, I wanted him to have my money to try to say sorry to him for the Lincoln incident and my DM's. I know it's a tiny amount to someone like him though.
At the party, we had to provide a security guard, it was one of Prides' demands. A friend's dad very kindly was our security, even though he didn't get paid and gave up his Saturday night to do this. He says he asked Stewart what he needed him to do and Stewart said 'Just keep my fans off me'. There were only about 10 of us there!
I'd bought Easter eggs for all of Prides. When I tweeted Lewis to see if he got the egg, he ignored me. I tweeted him get well soon, he ignored me while favouriting my friend who tweeted him the same at the same time. I knew then that he had a major issue with me but I didn't know what. And as usual noone in Prides would tell me. Although my kind friend did phone me because he actually cares.
So time passed, and then it was time to see Prides at the Young Scot Awards in Edinburgh. I met Lewis at the red carpet. He smiled at everyone else, but not me, but he let me have 2 photos with him and I am grateful for that.
Stewart walked past me on the red carpet and didn't acknowledge me. Callum said hi Greer even though I was talking to Lewis when he walked past. That was nice of him.
I went over to Prides again and asked Lewis if I could have another photo. There was a nice lady from the Daily Record who was going to interview them. I'd met her earlier and she said to Prides 'it's your superfan' and then Stewart was all smiley and nice to me. I got another photo with Lewis but it didn't turn out, but that wasn't his fault, it was nice of him to let me have 3 photos with him, they were just all taken into the sun.
At the awards, Prides were the first act to perform. Lewis came on stage before the others and I was screaming so loud. I was sitting with my friends in the upper balcony and noone else around us was showing any interest in Prides, but we were cheering for them. When Edith Bowman interviewed them afterwards she said about the screaming before they even started playing. That was me for Lewis!
After the awards, all the celebrities came out by the front door to meet fans. Prides didn't appear so me and my friends went to near the side door where their van was parked. I'd gone by the side of their van to see if it actually was their van, and then 2 of my friends were shouting at me so I went back to them. They said they'd just seen Lewis, he'd looked at them and then ran away. I thought this seemed unlikely and he'd probably just forgotten something and gone back inside, but the same thing happened to me on Saturday.
Anyway, then we saw Scott, Prides tour manager. I asked him if Prides were still inside and he said yes but that they would leave by the front door because they were going to an afterparty. So we went and waited by the front door. Meanwhile, Prides left by the side door.
I wasn't actually upset at the time, as I'd already met Lewis that day. Although I would have loved to see him again and hopefully get a better photo with him! But my friends were upset as they'd all travelled to the awards for Prides and felt like they'd avoided them.
Then we saw Ally McCrae. He gave me a big hug and asked if I was well. I asked him why Lewis still ignores me on twitter. He said he didn't know. I asked if it was still to do with the professional adviser and he said no. He said I needed to give Lewis more time. I said it had been 2 and a half months now and I didn't know why Lewis had a problem with me as noone would tell me. He just said that Lewis is a 'tricky person' and that I need to give him time.
Then me and my friends walked into an afterparty and spent the evening with the other celebrities who were all lovely to us and I had a great time!
One of my friends was in tears because of Prides though, and later in our hotel room the others said how unhappy they were about Prides avoiding us. So me being the idiot that I am tweeted Prides saying I was in a room with 3 other Prides fans who were very upset.
The next day, Callum DM'd 2 other Prides fans about my tweets. He DM'd my best friend and one of my friends who was still in the hotel with me. I am not happy that he spoke to other Prides fans about me and I think it was very unfair of him to get my friends involved. It put them in a horrible position, and maybe Callum underestimated friend loyalty. They both told me about his DM's. The language used in one was not pleasant.
I tweeted about this which clearly angered Prides greatly. Prides twitter blocked me long enough for me to no longer be following them and then unblocked me (they have since blocked me again). Lewis blocked me and has never unblocked me. I hadn't tweeted him anything negative. The last thing I tweeted him was about how amazing he was at the awards.
I didn't find out that Lewis had blocked me till that evening when I was in a hotel in Leeds. I thought it was the lowest moment of my life, but I wasn't even prepared for what happened next...
So the next day was Live At Leeds festival where I was seeing Prides. When I got to the venue where Prides were I saw Stewart. I asked him why Lewis had blocked me on twitter. He said he didn't know. I asked if they didn't speak to each other about these things and he said no and he didn't control what Lewis did on twitter. I said doesn't anyone take responsibility for what happens in this band. He asked what I meant by 'take responsibility'. I explained that noone will tell me what Lewis' problem with me is and I'd already tried to ask their manager Ally. Then Stewart laughed, like when someone does an unamused sarcastic laugh. I said don't laugh at me when I'm upset and he looked so angry and said I'd have to speak to Lewis. Then he said he needed to know where the toilet was, so I directed him and he walked off.
It was very uncomfortable watching Prides perform. Stewart did not seem his usual happy self on stage at all, and he and Callum never made eye contact with me. Lewis did a couple of times and I thought maybe this was a good sign. I tried not to cry, but then I did a bit during Higher Love and I don't even know why because it's not one of my favourite songs.
Then I cheered up a bit because Prides' music makes me so happy and I found myself singing along! But then my friend I was with started crying.
After the gig me and my friend sat near the entrance to backstage to see if we could meet Prides.
After a while, Callum came out to talk to us. I apologised for angering him on twitter and he put his arm round me and said it was ok. He sat with me and my friend and was kind. I asked him if he knew why Lewis had blocked me and he said he didn't know. He said I'd have to talk to Lewis. I asked if Lewis would even speak to me and he said he didn't know. I asked if Lewis would let me have a photo with him. He said he didn't know. I knew then that this was a no. I asked Callum why Lewis was so angry with me. He said he didn't know, but he thought he felt a lot of negativity from me.
I said my only negativity was because of Lewis ignoring me on twitter while interacting with all other fans, after all my support for him and I was his biggest fan. I asked Callum if it was because of the professional advice they'd been given, and he said he knew nothing about any professional advice. I said Ally had told me they've got professional advice about me. He asked if Ally had really said this. I explained I had it in writing in an email he sent me. I asked if it was because of the Lincoln incident and Callum said that it really wasn't a big deal and noone was angry about it.
I asked Callum if I'd freaked Lewis out by being such an obsessive fan. A family member of mine is married to someone who used to be in a band, and he said that if he'd had a fan like me he would've left the band because it would have been too much pressure for him. I told Callum about this and asked if this was how Lewis felt, and he said not at all.
I got very upset while I was talking to Callum, I was crying so much I couldn't speak or breathe. He said he'd let me compose myself and then he'd come back. He never did though. I don't blame him, it wasn't his problem to deal with and at least he did talk to me and treat me like a human being.
Shortly after that, Lewis came out from backstage. He was surrounded by fans who Prides had invited backstage. He walked up the stairs and I followed and said Lewis. I thought he didn't hear me. I said Lewis again and I realised he was ignoring me. Then a Prides fan, one of my friends, held me back and said leave him alone Greer. I said get off me and she pushed me back. Now I guess Lewis had asked the Prides fans to surround him so I couldn't get near him. However I doubt very much that he had asked anyone to push me. If it was anyone's place to manhandle me, it should have been one of the venue's security guards, or Prides' tour manager. I somehow doubt though that a man would have pushed me in this manner, unless I had been causing any trouble, which I wasn't. I was just saying Lewis' name. He chose to ignore me, fair enough, that is his decision. This fan who pushed me... she had accepted a Prides ticket from me in March which I gave her for free because I thought she was my friend. I have checked and according to the law what she did was assault. I just hope that noone from Prides asked her to do this, I really don't think they did though.
Anyway, I went back to my friend and although I was very upset at Lewis refusing to even acknowledge I was there, I wasn't too bad. I cried a bit, but because my friend was also upset, I managed to keep it together as I needed to look after her too.
But then I suddenly had this feeling of complete panic and I didn't think I could cope . I thought about taking myself to hospital but I was scared they would section me, but I was desperate for some extra medication to help me cope. I decided to phone the Samaritans for advice, but obviously I could not hear to make a phone call in the venue.
So I went outside, which I felt awkward about because the Prides van was parked by the only way out of the venue. As I left the venue Lewis was there with a woman. They saw me and ran off. The woman was running behind Lewis and pushing him along and they were laughing and ran into a bar or somewhere.
I felt so hurt. I genuinely hadn't come out to try to see Lewis. I didn't even know he was still out there. I went across the road and phoned the Samaritans. The only advice they could give me was to phone the NHS helpline, which I did, but they said they needed to do a full assessment on me, and I was scared I was going to get sectioned so I went back into the venue and then me and my friend went back to the hotel.
It was the most humiliating and upsetting night of my life. Seeing Lewis running away from me laughing, like I was a horrible freak to be avoided. After all my months of support for him. And it was even worse with the other Prides fans watching on as it all happened.
And that was that. Lewis has still blocked me. Prides twitter have blocked me again. Bizarrely even their sound guy and tour manager have blocked me. I have literally never tweeted their tour manager and I think I tweeted their sound man once, about a funny picture he drew of Prides.
So that is the sad end to my time as a Prides fan. I put my heart and soul and a lot of time and money into supporting them, and yet they hate me. The only thing I know I did wrong was when I met them at Lincoln and I have repeatedly been told that noone is bothered about it. So I just don't know why they are so angry at me. I would apologise if I knew what I'd done that is so wrong!
It hurts so much that Lewis who I adore hates me so much.
I am also upset that Prides were happy to accept my £2100 payment when they hate me so much. Surely it is a bit unethical to accept such a huge payment from a fan whose mental health they were so concerned about, according to Ally. There was no breatch of contract though, I'll never get my money back, and the money isn't the issue here anyway.
I would've given or done anything for Lewis to forgive me for whatever he's so angry about, but I know that will never happen now. I could never hate him though, I tried to feel angry with him, but I couldn't. He's just too amazing and I don't think he's a bad person. I'm sure he has valid reasons for why he has treated me like this, but I'll never understand as noone will tell me and they say I need to speak to him but he refuses to speak to me!
I know I'll get a lot of hate for writing this blog. But a lot of things have been said about me. As I know Prides have discussed me with other fans (who happened to be my friends so I found out about it), I can only imagine what they could have said about me to other fans who don't like me! As Ally McCrae DM'd my friend on twitter about me, I wonder who else he might have spoken to.
There's not much else I can say. Thank you to anyone who has read my blog. I doubt I'll be writing any more posts now. I hope you enjoyed my happier blog entries. I am so sad it has ended like this. I thought I was a Prides fan for life. I will always love their music and think Lewis is an amazing drummer, but I can't support a band who have been so mean to me. They don't want my support anyway.
Goodbye.
Greer.
